Ever have those days?

do you ever have those days where you just feel anxious and antsy inside, but you're not sure why?  you have an aching or longing for something, but you're not sure what?  do you ever feel like you're taking a step inside yourself, seeking and searching for answers...but you don't even know what questions to ask?  i know, i know...a little too deep, and it may not make sense to anyone but myself.  maybe no one else feels this way.  anxiety runs in my family (lovingly known as "balkovitz anxiety"...thank you, mom, for that!) - sometimes when i get this way i also find myself taking lots of deep breaths and i experience butterflies in my stomach and heart palpitations....wow, when i type it out like that it seems serious!  lol!  anyway, that is not what i'm feeling now.  this is different.  this is not heart palpitations and butterflies.  this is very thoughtful and internal...spiritual and emotional.  

so i am about to have diarrhea of the mouth...or fingers, i guess since i'm typing...but if i don't get my thoughts out on "paper" i might go crazy.  so bear with me.  if i bore you to tears, you can close out of this screen and go back to facebook or whatever you were doing before.  

what does this have to do with photography??  maybe nothing.  maybe everything.  either way - here goes...

i want more...and less.  i want simpler, but fuller.  i want to downsize and expand.  i want quiet.  i want growth - in many aspects of my life, but first and foremost in my relationship with God.  i'm afraid of things that will be hard - i don't want to be afraid.  fear of failing holds me back.  i'm ok with not being the best...but i want to be really good.  in this i am mostly referring to photography.  

this week i have reconnected with God on a personal level.  one on one time with Him.  not because i'm supposed  to or because i should, but because i want to...because i miss Him.  i've looked forward to this time of the day every day...so excited.  :)  as soon as i put sam down for his morning nap, no matter what else i have going on, i've dropped it all and went out on my back porch and met with Him.  so i think it might be His fault that i'm having "those days".  because when you are touched by God, when you've met with Him and have spent time with Him, it affects every aspect of your life.  this is not a blog posting where i am going to discuss what i've been studying - but i will mention that i'm reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and In Christ by E. Stanley Jones.  both thought provoking and life changing.

so lately my mind's been a little crazy - a little everywhere.  i went for a drive several nights ago.  needed to get away.  to clear my mind.  it was cool enough outside that i could roll the windows down (fellow southerners, only you understand what a luxury that is this month!!).  i was driving to nowhere.  i was actually hoping to find somewhere pretty that i might want to come back to to take pictures...picturesque is not as easy to find around birmingham, alabama as it was in middle tennessee (oh, how i miss you, tennessee!).  i went about 10-15 minutes and ran into a little town - Helena, AL, and i fell in love.  there's not a whole lot there - most people would wonder what in the heck i fell in love with.  i don't know.  maybe the weather was just right.  the cow pastures and fields i drove past on my way made me feel like "home".  the country smell...yup, i'm a country girl at heart.  the sunset.  the sound of the crickets.  the small, charming, historic downtown of Helena.  i loved it all.  people were outside in their flower gardens, and stood up to wave as i slowly drove by...i was taking it all in.  simple life.  ahhh...could i live this way?  i did when i was a little girl...but could i do it now?  hmm. 

the last few days i've been following jasmine star on CreativeLIVE.  jasmine is a wedding photographer...she's freaking amazing...and for the last few days she's been on CreativeLIVE photographing a live wedding and giving us all her behind the scenes info.  she has been so inspiring.  but it's also sent me into somewhat of a state of confusion.  jasmine has been SURE all along that she wanted to be a wedding photographer.  good for her, right?  but what if i'm not SURE about what i want to photograph yet?  babies? children? families? weddings? seniors?  what??  i never thought it would be weddings...but now i'm thinking maybe weddings!  i don't know!  so then, back to God...does He have a plan for my photography?  does He even care?  i hope so.  jasmine also challenged the viewers/students to brand themselves as a photographer - use three words to describe your photography.  and when you take photos, answer the question...does this fit my brand?  which is a, b, and c?  great idea - duh, everyone knows you should have a few words to describe your business...your brand.  ok - so what's mine?  .............................that's harder than i thought.  timeless.  i want my photos to be just as beautiful today as they will be 100 years from now.  fun.  i wan to have fun taking photos as much as i want the people i am photographing to have fun.  fun is a weird word though...look at it, "fun".  lol!  it's one of those words that if you say it too much you start to wonder if it's even a word at all!  (...ok, i officially just lost whatever readers i had left up until this point!)  and then i was uncreative enough to think....unique....i want my photos to be unique to audrey.  DUH!!!  what will make me unique??  THOSE are the three words i'm looking for!  those three words are what will make me unique.  so...i'm stuck.  i'm working on this one still.  hoping it'll just come to me - like in a dream maybe?  that'd be nice.

i want less and more.  less busy.  more of things that really matter, now into eternity.  we have our house on the market.  i hope it sells.  but there's thousands of other people who are hoping the same thing right now.  homes aren't selling.  this house is an example of having more but wanting less.  we live in a neighborhood where everything is about what you have.  where you live.  what you drive.  what you wear.  i. don't. want. to. care. about. these. things.  but i do - probably more than i realize.  i'm american.  we're spoiled.  we're rich & wealthy, but feel broke because we can't go on vacation, or buy that car, or whatever.  i don't want to be this person.  i want to have less but be able to give more than i've ever been able to give.  i want to have less but feel richer than i could ever imagine.  this is hard.  i want to let go of the "stuff" and make room to receive more of what matters.  God things.   this is coming from a girl who only shops off the clearance racks.  we drive a used mini van and a 1986 mercedes benz.  yup, the mini van is a Honda...and my hubby just HAD to have the mercedes.  we feel good about ourselves because the Honda Odyssey was bought used and obviously so was the mercedes!  but still.....does the name brand matter?  yeah, a little.  do i buy a $100 shirt for $20 on the clearance rack?  yeah, i do.  so am i still spoiled even though i consider myself thrifty?  yeah, i am.  how much of what i have do i give away?  not a lot.  not even close to enough.  sometimes nothing.

wow.  if you're still reading this....i apologize for the ramblings.  i haven't blogged like this in a very long time.  i'm just in this place right now.  i know i'm all over the place - scattered thoughts.  i just got all caught up in life...being a mom, cleaning the house, worrying about money, wishing i could go on vacation, reading photography blogs, craving chocolate - whatever!  but now something is changing in me.  you know what's hard?  when something changes in me...doesn't mean it also changes in everyone else around me.  life still goes on.  so what can i do to make it different?  instead of blogging about this one day and then doing nothing about it?  i don't know how many days i have left here on earth.  but i know i want to make them count.  so what am i going to do about it?